Friday, January 16, 2015

Ms. Phat Booty Black Bean Vegan, Gluten-Free Brownies

So, real talk. I've got "fat kid syndrome." You see, I was raised by my Bulgarian grandparents who believed that unless a kid was fat, she wasn't healthy. I had totally pinchable round little rosy cheeks and round...rolls in other places. So what--I was a lil gordita cutie. I lost a lot of the "baby fat" (ha!), but I have never really gotten myself to a place where I am able to eat what I want. Case in point--I haven't had cake or cookies or candy in I don't know how long. I can't really afford to. I am constantly battling the proverbial "fat kid syndrome."
I say this not to induce groans of "Get over yourself already," (although if this is your reaction, I would ask you to sip a little less of the Haterade :), but rather to ask you to always look beyond the surface. I have seen plenty of rail thin people eat obscene amounts of sweets--more power to them. I am not one of those people, which is why I am super circumspect about what sweets I ingest. Odd thing is having forgone sweets for so long has caused me to have a super low sugar tolerance; luckily for me, I find most commercially-produced goods to be cloyingly sweet and some of the worst offenders are the vegan, gluten-free cookies and such. Take a look at some of those labels and you will see mountains of white powder (ahem). Maybe now is a good time to put one especially bad offender on blast--sorry/not sorry!

What can I say--this week, I coined the Toni-ism of "Espresso Elitism." I am herein coining another Toni-ism (trademark!)--"Sugar Snobbism." I have it. You betcha.

I won't start on the whole sugar vs. fat debate because then I will never finish :). Suffice it to say, homemade baked goods are the only way to go for me. But don't worry--as you have seen in my other posts about measuring schmeasuring even when it comes to baking, you can pretty much just throw some stuff in and eyeball it.

Every time I have made these brownies, I hear raves and paeans of joy and paroxysms of delight...and what other p word could I use? :) Just let me reassure you, these are ridiculously good and healthy for you.

Mos Def begin by listening to this remix of this classic tune. Trust me. You need to get into a jaunty, fat-booty-esque mood. Then, proceed with caution...cause I mean as Mystikal said, "Shake that..., BUT watch yourself." Or should it be butt. Anyway--carry on.

Ms. Phat Booty Black Bean Vegan, Gluten-Free Brownies

  • 1 15 oz. can black beans, well rinsed and drained--I do not use canned. I actually cook the beans, but this is because I am crazy and I don't like preservatives in my beans. You don't have to be crazy like me :P
  • 2T flax meal mixed in with 6T water--this will be your "egg." Let that mixture rest for 5 mins till it thickens.
  • 1/4C coconut oil, melted (crucial Toni tip: I loveeeee Ziggy Marley's Coco'mon Orange and Almond Coconut Oil. That stuff is straight irie. Lively up yourself with it. And no, I am not being paid to promo this. Of course, you can make your own by just adding orange and almond extracts.)
  • 1/2C cocoa powder (make sure it has no sugar in it. That's not cocoa--that is vileness :)
  • 1/4t sea salt
  • 1/3C turbinado sugar, ground up in a coffee grinder
  • 1 1/2t baking powder
  • if the batter is too thick, add water or heck...almond milk works too (above you see what the batter should look like)

Mix all of this stuff in the food processor. Put in a muffin pan. You will get somewhere between 10 and 12. Bake at 350 for about 20 minutes. Let them cool before attempting to take out of the pan as they will fall apart. Patience, my dear Watson is the name of the game.

"Is sugar and spice the only thing these are made of?" Mmm; yeah, mon!